SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
This is the best photo of Mount Fuji
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
So now I’m told that when cats bring in dead mice, they aren’t “trophies”, but a critique on your own ability to hunt and feed yourself. Which is a bit rich from an an animal that gives it the big leg rub when it fancies a pouch of salmon & herring, the grifting whiskery pricks.
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
-No, there isn’t a town called ”Garbage” anywhere in England, stop looking at that map. I hate to break this to you, but when our neighbors called you ”King of garbage” that wasn’t a compliment
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
