Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
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I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
🎶…we didn’t start the fire🎵
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
Told my 18yo we’re out of mac’n’cheese, so he’d have to do something else for lunch for once. He says, “I’ll just break into my personal stash.” Goes into his room, rummages around, comes out with two boxes of Annie’s mac’n’cheese.
?????
happy 100th birthday caesar salad!! may we all celebrate this day by stabbing a politician
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed