Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.

this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same

Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.

garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move

Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.

In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.

*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”

[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.

Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.

So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.

From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”

Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.

Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.

REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?

OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2

My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..

We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.

The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.

Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.

Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.

We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.

Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.

presenting your incognito window wrapped

Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.

Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.

Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?

4: They both rhyme, daddy!

Windows

I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.

Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.

Me: Let me see it…

*eats half and hands it back*

…wish granted.

My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard

All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.

All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”

you left your water bottle on the roof of the car. oh wait, never mind, it won’t fall. the babies holding it

This spa was amazing!

Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.