sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
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Email translations:
“I was under the impression”
Translation: I’m furious“As per my email”
Translation: I’m furious“With respect”
Translation: I’m furious“Whilst I appreciate”
Translation: I’m furious“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Translation: I’m furious“As previously discussed”
Translation: I’m furious
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
Text messages from my mum read like they are from a hit man.
That took me a moment.
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.