Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*

Husband: *cries*

My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri

[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]

“Rest in peace.”

My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.

if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka

Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done

[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?

Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that

[later]

Me: you have nice eyeball hair

Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework

Me: -holds up yellow

Me: What color is this?

4: McDonalds

The end

pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed

Loan Officer: Denied

Me: maybe this will change your mind

*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*

Me: *catching my breath* well??

Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not

The dog version of Die Hard:

– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle

The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.

i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain

My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today

That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself

please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind

“Why don’t you want to have kids?”

*motions hysterically in every direction*

me: that’s my wife susan

him: please pass the salt, ma’am

me: idk she’s pretty lazy

her: [rotates entire table]

me: but strong

I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?

[highspeed chase]

ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*

[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]

You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.

I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.

Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days

I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.

Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.

I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.

when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there

If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.

* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *

For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.

I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.