adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
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You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
2020: Everyone needs to count their steps every day!
2025: How walking is actually killing you.
the way this pissed me off… 😭
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
Food delivery driver here, time is money so no need to stand behind your front door for a few minutes pretending that you’ve not just been staring out your window looking for us for the last 20 minutes and yes we saw your curtains twitching
(HR hovering over my desk, glaring at my awesome fat 70s tie with a crisp double Windsor knot)
Me: omg now what
HR: shirts aren’t optional
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
Therapist accidentally sent me her cat
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.