My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
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This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
me: this edible ain’t shit
me twenty minutes later: googling how to remove a curse
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
-No, there isn’t a town called ”Garbage” anywhere in England, stop looking at that map. I hate to break this to you, but when our neighbors called you ”King of garbage” that wasn’t a compliment
The principal (who is retiring next week) emailed us all to “remind” us that we aren’t supposed to show movies. There’s 7 days left. Who does she think she’s kidding
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.