Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.

You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.

Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.

You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.

Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.

Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…

English teacher: I’m listening

WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool

WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go

Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.

Except bullets.

Bullets and gravity.

Also poison.

Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.

Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—

Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO

Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”

ME: can you use it in a sentence?

JUDGE: not really, no

Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.

8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this

Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?

Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you

you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser

Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song

My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.

I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”

incredible text to wake up to

this one has claws

This one swims but can’t fly

This one is huge & runs funny

This one bangs his head against trees

– god making birds

the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms

Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”

BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do

This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.

Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.

Her: I like guys that are confident

Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire

Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion

I’m going to tell people they’ve put on weight while handing them a plate of food, so I can be my mom for Halloween.