Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
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How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
I’m seeing someone new, and we’re at the stage where it’s all sunshine and lollipops and he hasn’t seen me eat a quesadilla like a hungry dinosaur at 2am.
Artwork by Herta Burbe
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
My husband is out of town, but the cupboard doors are still open, so now I have to face some cold hard truths about myself
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician