I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
when someone compliments me
Square dancing in elementary school really had me expecting more hoedowns as an adult
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
i baked you a cake
