medusa but her hair is an anaconda
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[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
Smile Twitter, Smile.
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
remember
only for emergencies
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
What if we kissed underneath the tree filled with escaped research monkeys
I don’t tweet for attention, I jog in a wedding dress
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her