waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
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Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
repaired
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
my sixth grade gifted program class had to do presentations on our favorite US presidents. i procrastinated until the due date and chose nixon last-minute because i thought his last name sounded cool. i discovered watergate halfway through making the powerpoint but held my ground
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
They say women only use 10% of their anger
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped