evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
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I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
My garden backs on to railways. About 10 years ago the fences were falling down, complained to network rail who did nothing. In the end, the whole bit of our street got together and put up new fence ourselves. 30 feet back into their land. They’ve never noticed.
Me: When you hear hoof beats, think horses not zebr —[trampled by herd of bison]
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys