Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure

I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase

*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*

Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”

I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.

Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.

My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.

So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.

If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.

Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling

Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.

Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?

People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.

Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!

Me: That’s a pretty good trade…

ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre

Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up

If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?

I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.

Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.

“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.

Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.

9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week

Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months

Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.

I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.

I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.

A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.

I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”

My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.

If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.

I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM

HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:

JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”

The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.