Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
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Wednesday
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
If I die my ghost better come back and do some laundry so I have some clean sheets to wear
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
Dentist appointments are so weird. “Hi nice to meet you could you root around in my mouth for a bit?”
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
Apologies to our waitress Amy who said to my dad, “wanna box for the leftovers?” and he replied, “no, but I’ll wrestle you for them” hope we tipped enough
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
My neighbor is trimming his tree by using a sawzall and a 17 foot ladder so I moved my cars to be sure there’s enough space for when the ambulance shows up
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
Ape together strong
[walking past my neighbor cleaning up all his yard skeletons the day after halloween] holy fucking shit what happened here
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.