Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years

Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years

Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol

Me: come on what if we say it at the same time

Interviewer: ok deal

Me: ok, 3..2..1

In sync: making furniture for hamsters

When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”

that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute

STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day

interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years

me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away

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ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked

911: what room is the body in

me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird

We will use anything but the metric system

coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth

Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday

“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet

I got confused by all the yard signs, and I think I may have voted for a realtor.

When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”

For the record Tom is just a friend.

[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*

*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*

She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.

What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair

yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine

Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them

Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*

Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.

When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.

13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me

Bad joke of the day:

Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.

This is a genius move

Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?

ME: How was your first day?

MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you

me: i made my first million by the age of 21

her: wow, a million dollars?!

me: no, mistakes