Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.

Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.

Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.

In a parallel universe, Mariah Carey is doing her shopping and is sick of hearing me on every store’s speaker system.

I’m famous people used to have talent years old.

Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.

-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?

Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’

-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.

Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no

“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon

Everyone got SO MAD when I started singing Gravity during the movie! Like I’m sorry but I PAID to be here. It’s not my fault Wicked was sold out and I had to see Gladiator II.

We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”

So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?

Trying to explain that I’m fascinated by Japan for wood joinery reasons and not nerd or pervert reasons.

Me :

All Day At Night

“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows

I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.

Dog 911: what’s ur emer-

Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME

Dog 911: so?

Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE

Dog 911: OMG

Dog: OMG

the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much

My background check bounced.

I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.

ME: You’re making me rock hard.

MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?

ME:

Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!

my premium snap prices:

-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15

To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”

Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out

You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?

It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!

Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.

Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.

The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.

We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.

-tweet sent from stall #3