Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Turning off led flashlight.

Led flashlight: hahahahaha

Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.

Narrator: There was no narrator.

[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind

“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”

…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!

Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta

Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?

friend: make her feel wanted

me: okay

[later]

me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target

I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.

But no, she’s still alive.

My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.

I won, so we’re getting a Meth.

I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”

PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture

[Logging in]

• Password must be 6 digits

Me : *Types “6 digits”*

Computer : You are an imbecile.

Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right

I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.

Vader: Join the dark side!

Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?

Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.

Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!

I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.

I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*

*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day

Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.

While we’re on the subject….

*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*

Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.

I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.

Gets pulled over:

” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”

Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.

Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”

[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne

pony: is this your card?
me: yes! cool trick!
pony: thanks
me: can you do any others?
pony: *sighs* no

Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers

My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.

[me talking to someone one year younger than me]

listen, kid…

Whenever you feel like the world is falling apart, take a deep breath and remember you’re right.