Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i said it’s my favorite movie, i didn’t say it was good

It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices

[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?

Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.

spicy snake

One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72

Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.

Me: I missed you

Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet

Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)

Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.

Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.

Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.

That incredible ability of cats to only throw up on carpeted floors.

He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”

Filling animals with helium is kinda weird, but whatever floats your goat.

“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”

Me: *leaves room

After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever

~Women

Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium

Me: 0mg

ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*

I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time

Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.

on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps

T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.

T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?

T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.

It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree

them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:

I have no idea what is happening here but it is the best thing I’ve seen today!

As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”

9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi

Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.

[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]

HER: This is nice.

ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.

If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.