Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*overheard in women’s bathroom*

I think there’s a guy in here.

[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what

I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.

My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.

Thanks, royal baby.

In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.

A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.

I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.

Husband: you’re late

Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog

Husband: No

Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster

*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*

[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.

[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.

*decides to workout*

*lays on ground to do sit-up*

*find skittle on ground*

*eats it*

*takes nap*

How do I rate our solar system?

One star

When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.

Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?

Me: Boiling water?

Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.

Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?

Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way

If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally

Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?

Aaaaaand tweet.

The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.

We’re over here teaching our kids math and history when what we really need to be teaching them is how to open a package or box of food without mangling it beyond recognition.

Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas

Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am

Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.

When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.

Me – I’m not in the mood to work today

My bank account – you better GET in the mood

I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.

A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.

[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?

My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.

Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim

YOU DON’T KNOW

I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.