Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!

Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.

Friend: Let’s get a table outside

Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?

date: I’m really into dark humor

me, turning off the lights:

wanna hear a joke

[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason

Home is where your toilet is.

due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.

Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..

Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers

Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one

PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.

My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.

Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”

Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”

Him: “Wait, wh-?”

My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”

Me: “I know, right?”

Found this absolute gem on the floor at work???

The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?

I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.

Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.

[Plastic surgeon’s office]

Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*

Secretary: what the hell was that?

Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill

I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets

Thank heavens for community notes

Government Shutdown: Day Two

Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.

COP: I need to search your car.

ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.

I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad

The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?

🤯🤯🤯

If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.

[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors

It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?

Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now

ME: people only use 10% of their brains

FRIEND: that’s an urban legend

ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm

*puts nose where it doesn’t belong

*is caught with hand in cookie jar

*loses head

*makes elbow macaroni

*gets fired by funeral home