My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
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Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
asked my bf how work was today
