Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.

I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.

I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.

Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.

can I use a minion as a tampon

reality dating shows are fun because they let you see what psych experiments were like before everyone had to get approval from ethics boards

This wording makes this visa sound a lot more exciting than it is

A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name

Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.

Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it

Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.

Telling everyone I’m premed…

(short for premeditating their murder)

Me: I’ll take one insurance

Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that

Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please

Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.

[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??

Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.

911 what’s the emergency

“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”

Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*

[War in Heaven]

Lucifer: You must choose a side.

Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?

Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”

“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”

This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.

I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.

Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.

Genie: you have three wishes.

Me: i want a million wishes.

Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!

Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.

Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.

My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.

[First date]

Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”

Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”