him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
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[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
The Universe can have my atoms back.
I don’t want them anymore.
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
watching the vp debate, in any election year, is time you will never get back. time you could be using to learn a cool new skill. you could learn how to make pottery. you could make weird little bowls and shit
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
Selfie
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
Me: [Making an alarmingly bad decision after making a lot of good choices for a while] treat yourself
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY