What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
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I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
Love is always patient and kind.
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
12 yo: I say “mucho” to all my Spanish speaking friends
me: why?
12: bc it means so much to them
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
“Who’s the new guy?”
“We’ll explain later.”
“But-“
“Just look at the camera, Steve.”
I wasn’t feeling well so I googled my symptoms. I either have allergies or I died two days ago.
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
President The Rock Obama
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them