3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
You Might Also Like
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.