Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.

My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..

We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.

*bludgeons you with a block of cheese

*eats evidence

When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.

*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*

My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions

[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”

I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.

didn’t even know there was an election going on. as a registered voter in the state of pennsylvania, i wish someone could text me 12-15 times a day in an increasingly desperate tone about this upcoming event, which i had forgotten about

4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …

6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …

Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?

My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.

The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.

Is….Is this an option?

me: arch your back it’ll give you more power

guy at the next urinal: what

No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema

i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot

And we’re off! To an unreasonable start

I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.

People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch

Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.

[ikea date]

him: let’s go check out the beds 😉

me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?

I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.

My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”

My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.

Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.

Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?

[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]

HER: Aw, this makes my day.

ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.

You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.

ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.

HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?

ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.

They are only bad decisions if you get caught

Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.