Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on

“HULK WANT LOAN.”

Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”

“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”

Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”

me: I’m broke

therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?

me: emotionally

therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god

Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.

time for some seasonal decor

#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?

The slowest swimmer.

If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.

My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood

I do it one time and now I need bail

me: do you take walk-ins

morgue: what

WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?

~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom

Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?

Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier

I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.

Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.

Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?

Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.

Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016

If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering

*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby

If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…

*counts*

…twelve dollars.

(Don’t you judge me.)

[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?

Me: *folding a fitted sheet*

Ghost: Ouch.

My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night

If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party

[high]

ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing

FRIEND: wait, u mean-

ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere

I use the tempura karate technique. For when you only want to lightly batter your opponent.

saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert

me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.

Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?

How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*

How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree

This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede

Got the results of my history exam.

Past.

wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.

me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*

wife: that’s better.

me: *puts on formal hulk hands*