Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

John: Yesterday…

Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away

George: But now it looks…

Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough

Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.

[During quarantine]

Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.

Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?

“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”

Some people come into your life for a reason.

Like for target practice.

My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.

A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.

Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.

I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.

If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.

astronaut: houston come in

houston: this had better be important

astronaut: it’s urgent

houston: fine what

astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float

“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner

Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair

Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.

Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.

[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]

When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed

Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.

I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.

If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.

Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.

[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me

I’m soirée for my mispronunciation of French words.

If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.

KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed

When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.

Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent

All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.

[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger

Anakin: How do we get in?

Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.

*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*

If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.

I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur