My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
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We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
Husband: *gently taps me on the shoulder before l’ve had my first cup of coffee*
Me:
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
Tickling is the most absurd bodily function.
Here, let me use feathers to completely incapacitate you.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
doing some research
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word