Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.

I’m Sold!

Schrodinger’s Douchebag: (noun) A guy who says offensive things and decides whether he’s kidding or not based on people’s reactions

FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN

[frogs start falling from sky]

[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?

I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.

“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds

I’ve never undergone actual physical torture but yesterday I was on a Teams call with someone who said “yep, yep” about two dozen times.

Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.

“Oh, I get it!”

– Me, when I didn’t get it.

Girl: Do you have protection?

Me: Um like a sword?

Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?

I thought this was funny lol

The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing

the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.

My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew

Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan

Cat:

They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people

“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.

my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son

Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.

Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?

Me: …Kids?

A woman at the gym is wearing a shirt that says “oh my quad Becky look at those squats”

Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.

Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath

I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.

Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.

Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.

“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE

Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.

Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.