And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
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Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
2022 be like
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
What’s the point buying it then?
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.