Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Door goes
Him: hello love is your mam or dad home?
Me: eh?
Them: I’m just going round the doors talking to people about the local election
Me: …
Him: are they in?
Me: nah sorry they’re not
*as I close the door* cos I’m 35 and they don’t live here

Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:

Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan air

Where does it end?

Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots

Sheep to the left of me. Cows to the right. Here I am. Stuck on a bus with a view.

You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…

-my wife telling a story

When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.

I’m pretending to be a hot girl on Tinder so I can match with my roomate and tell him I’m coming over so he’ll clean the apartment.

THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.

You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa

Ways to look busy:

1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed

“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.

I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better

*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.

i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication

Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.

me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry

her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-

me: I mean I’ll do anything

her: I just said you can lis-

me: anything at all

1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby

2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us

If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.

They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.

I’m hunting wabbits…

me: I’m not feeling well

doctor: take your glove off

🤣

HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?

Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.

Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.

“Nevertheless”

~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie

When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’

America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.

when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag

Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*

He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me