Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?

Gross, who put proof in this pudding?

Sign at work today

My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night

The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.

Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.

Me: *dies*

My kids: *taking out Ouija board*

H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?

I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.

ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing

[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.

Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s

Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks

[in bed]

Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…

Me: *removes ear plugs*

*removes sleeping mask*

*removes snoring strip*

*removes mouth guard*

Hey…

Husband: *sleeping*

My kid told me that school today was “bad” and “sooo boring” and all because a teacher said he wasn’t allowed to catch lizards at recess

I’m single and proud of it!

* Flips hair
* Trips over cat

*Hands you a handbasket*

You know what to do…….

When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.

Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run

Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster

My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old

waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please

spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower

described my dog as a “man of few words” and the uber driver didn’t laugh. gonna open the door on the freeway.

Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.

I meant to write, “on god” but wrote, “on guard” by accident and now I gotta duel with the homies at dawn.

[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow

I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious

I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.

me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse

wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal

if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun

[first day being homeless]

What thread count are these newspapers?