Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium

s
o

c

i

a

l

me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.

my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?

It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.

App: This app would like to use your location.

Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!

There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.

I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.

*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*

Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!

There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.

BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.

Everyone turns around and stairs at me.

Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is

Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories

Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!

I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.

If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.

As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.

Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon

There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.

Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction

My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.

I come from a long line of ancestors. My whole family tree is full of ancestors, every single branch. But not me. I decided to make a change. I’m a descendant. Never let the past hold you back.

Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby

Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.

God: you’re a koala bear.

Koala: yay I love bears!

God: but you’re not a bear.

Koala: oh.

God: yeah.

Koala: this is awkward.

God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.

Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )

God:

Koala:

God: that pun was beary bad.

Just randomly thinking about the guy I dated that broke up with me because I used a chicken tender like a spoon to eat mashed potatoes

Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.

Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.

But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…

I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.

-me to my barber

“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”

Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped

[100 degree summer day]

me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza

people who love camping: ok, hear me out

Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.

Dr: Suture self