Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Instagram: look how pretty everything is

Facebook: look how easy everything is

Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest

Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is

Waiter: can I take your order?

Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT

You: Would you like a keto burger?

My Anaconda: No.

*Answers door naked*

Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲

Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.

Police officer: You get to make one phone call.

Me: Do I have to?

You are not alone 💚

You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?

A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.

crush: i really like music

me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*

Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.

im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it

Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.

I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.

I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.

did it work

Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”

Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.

Trampoline: Hold my beer.

Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me

*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.

Him: Don’t make this weird.

Me: Then why am I even here?

Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.

Ketchup Packet: haha nope.

Me: come on man please.

Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.

Me: uh what?

Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.

Me: ugh fine.

[ketchup explodes everywhere]

Ketchup Packet: lol.

My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.

[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?

*finds a corpse in the house*

Oh great, more cleaning.

me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.

[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.

Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.

Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.

Her: While you’re just laying there?

I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele

But here we are

“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”

Little known trivia:

If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.