Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
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judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
Speechwriter: I have your speech ready, sir. “87 years ago—“
Lincoln: Whoa whoa whoa hang on…
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
me irl
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much