so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
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“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
y’all made fun of plankton on spongebob for dating a computer and look at y’all now 💀
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something