Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*i put two straws in my drink*

gf: awhh 🙂

me: hell ya double barrel

*i use both straws*

my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.

The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014

[robbing a bank]

accomplice: nice pantyhose

me: thanks

accomplice: on your face next time tho ok

“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.

“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you

What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.

I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.

Tell the colonel to bring it

“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago

Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them

The 70s had it right.

Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.

You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.

[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”

[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5

Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles

“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians

My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.

I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.

ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough

It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.

My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.

(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT

Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies

Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”

“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said

I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return

The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.

Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.

Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.