When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
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Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
“I’ve never wished a man dead, but I’ve read some obituaries with great pleasure.”
— Mark Twain
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
Why are ranches the only house with their own condiment? I demand bungalow sauce!
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
Remember kids, no matter who wins tomorrow, you’re still going to pay too much for avocados.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
That’s what I call a flat tire
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
nooOOO now I have to dunk my phone in water!!!
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?