Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job

My Dog:

💀

1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymore

Anyone else notice this?

Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.

Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!

Nurse: what’s her name?

Me: well we both love Kit Kats

Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?

Me: meet Wafer

I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.

CONGRATULATIONS

It has been

2̶4̶ 0 days

since you last stepped in cat puke.

You look like you can go as yourself for Halloween.

I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.

13: can I play video games?

ME: yep

WIFE: nope

ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice

I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.

My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.

A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo

Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!

Her: I live in Wales.

Me: like Jonah

My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.

I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.

[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.

*running from the police and turning into an alley*

HER: Kiss me

HIM: What?

HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me

*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*

POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!

(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.

I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.

Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”

ME: I like nerdy girls.

HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?

ME: Yes. Exactly like that.

*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*

Me: This salsa is spicy

Twitter: Ed Asner died

Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor

T: Betty White is trending

Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!

T: She’s fine

Me: Why would you do that?

You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.

Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.

College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens

Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!

I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.

Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.

But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?