Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.

If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.

[Home invasion]

Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married

*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK

*later, flinging holy water*

ME: GET OUT GHOSTS

MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea

I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.

I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.

The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.

BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day

Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.

Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them

Step 2:Become a lawyer

Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love

Step 4:Become rich

You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.

My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.

There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.

I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks

Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different

Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?

Me: Yes, a bit

Dr: And now?

Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex

Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!

The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable

*puts my mental health in rice

landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.

Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣

HR: Know why we called you down?

Me: Hmm…my trench coat?

HR: Try again.

Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?

This is enough internet for the day.

Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works

BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city

GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?

BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please

My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.

4yo has never been overly original in toy-naming; his T. Rex is named Rexy, his stegosaurus is Steggy, his triceratops is Triceratopsy, his stuffed dog is Puppy. He now has a new triceratops and to differentiate between the two has decided to invoke the animal’s prominent horn.

Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.

I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.