I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
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*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??