Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
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I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
date offered me her hot tub and started cutting up carrots into it after i got in
am i cooked
When I was 11 I went to the mall and got a mullet. The MALL! A MULLET!
Then the next day I went again & had the back of it permed. PERMED!
Oh and also I got grounded, and my mom cried, and I may have ruined the Christmas card.
But I looked rad AF.
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
i think every presidential candidate should get a worm in their brain. if the worm dies, they are disqualified. if it survives until election day, then the fattest worm wins
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
The pen is writier than the sword.
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
[God creating octopus]
Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks
God: Crap. What’s left?
A: ink & suction cups
G: Hmmm..