Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”

Wife: any ideas for dinner this week and don’t you dare say hot dogs

Me:
Wife:
Me: frankfurters

I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?

the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit

Jesus: love your neighbor

Me: aw thanks, yours is also great

An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.

Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.

(McDonald’s bathroom)

*pulls away from kissing*

You’re better than my mirror at home

“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.

I have no idea what I’m doing.

“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed

I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.

this is why you should always wash behind your ears

You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.

My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.

You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?

I didn’t think I had much in common with squirrels until I saw one risk his life for a crouton.

Cw: you have a call holding

M: put it in my voicemail

Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent

M: hiiii this is Jennifer

Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.

Good news: multiple library patrons have said they love my Halloween costume. Bad news: I wasn’t aware I was wearing a costume.

*first date*

Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.

Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.

Me: I’m a mature adult

Also me:

COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.

ME: Hammocking is better than both.

Ghosts can’t cut or color their hair; hence they’re supernatural

Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?

Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT

Me: *making table side guacamole*

Priest: Please get off the altar

thanks for ruining it for the rest of us, stacey

beginning to suspect my gf is only using me for my foot warming capabilities late at night

I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭

me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall

Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived