Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

coworker: you’re 37? you look younger

me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth

coworker: ha ha *leaves*

demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you

me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut

demon: ooo get a maple bar

I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.

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Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!

You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.

Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.

I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”

ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!

Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing

Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.

If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do

My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.

40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments

[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s

My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor

IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?

Me: KENNY…and my password is….

IT: FOOTLOOSE

Me: Wow…How did you know?

IT:

“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”

Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile

“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”

Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?

Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell

I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it

I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”

Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do

*running from the police and turning into an alley*

HER: Kiss me

HIM: What?

HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me

*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*

POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!

You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.

Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?

Honest job interview:

“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”

Overheard:

“You like Dragon Ball? Who’s your favorite character?”

“Um… Steve. Steve Dragonball.”

Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”

I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.