The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
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“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
R.I.P.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
Publisher: You have a good story here, but I hate the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again