The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
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[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
When you’ve been debugging for hours and the issue was a missing semicolon, you appreciate the little things. Also, considering a career in farming.
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
You got this…
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.