The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
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If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
“Sheer Arrogance”
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
2 years later
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings