It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
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And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
I think this should do it.
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
My guardian angel deserves a raise
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…