Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
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Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
#Caturday
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
i saw “independence day” in the theater in 1996, and friends, i will never forget the way the entire audience literally and ecstatically CHEERED when the dog escaped from the explosion. that dog could have won an election for president with like 95% of the vote in july, 1996
I just turned on my car’s seat warmer to keep my Chipotle order warm in case you wondered how seriously I take Taco Tuesday.
this got me crying😭😭
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.