Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.

After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.

When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.

normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.

Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts

Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be

5, 6, 7, 8 is the LMNOP of the numbers

This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life

spiders in your apartment after the landlord paints over them

i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this

My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.

HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*

Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a storm

No matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.

BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test

ME: Hold my bong

[Speed Date]

Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!

i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.

i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.

Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.

i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?

Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.

Cop: Know why I stopped u?

“To compliment my hair?”

Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.

Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.

Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.

Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?

Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.

In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny

Son: can I get lunch money

Dad: I have a boyfriend

*finds a corpse in the house*

Oh great, more cleaning.

I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.

Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.

My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.